A-Ford-Able
I’ve come up with the ultimate SUV. I hesitate to give you the design details ‘cause I’m afraid those bastards in Detroit will steal my idea. But my desire to share outweighs my fear. I blame my sister for this. She’s a hippy. Hippies love to share. They particularly love to share their feelings about sharing. After reading my idea I hope the Ford Motor Company will want to share some cash with me. I’m sure they will.
Hickonfire is proud to announce The Convoy. It’s two Ford Expeditions welded together front to back! This is the SUV suburban moms really want! The great thing about this innovative design is that moms can put their annoying children they don’t really want to interact with, in the rear Expedition. The kids will enjoy watching their own HD Plasma TV and mom will enjoy smokin’ and talkin’ on her cell phone without havin’ to answer those annoying kid questions like “are we there yet?” and “mommy, can we stop so I can puke and pee?” Ahhh, everyone gets what they want!
Ass Full Of Pork Fat
Apparently I ain’t got enough good cholesterol. Dang. My doc wants me to take a pill for this dire condition, of course. I figure I’ve brought this on myself by eatin’ buckets of lard and layin’ on the couch twelve hours a day. Therefore, I believe I can turn the tide by gettin’ my ass motivated to exercise and improve my eatin’ habits.
I hopped on the net to see what I can do naturally before resigning myself to a lifetime of poppin’ pills. On the Mayo Clinic website I see that increasin’ your fiber intake will raise your HDL level. Since I’m a hick, the first thing that popped into my head was the following song:
“My heart needs fiber Elvira
Giddy Up Oom Poppa Omm Poppa Mow Mow”
Zapped!
There’s something wrong with me. I woke up Christmas morning all sweaty, dizzy and pale with Frank Zappa melodies roaring in my head and flames shootin’ outta my butt. I’m not sure if it was holiday stress or the three bags of Taco Bell I had the night before but it ain’t cool to be leakin’ butt lava all over the lord’s birthday. It just seems disrespectful somehow. In a moment of panic I thought ‘ah shit, I got Asperger’s!’ Then I remembered the old adage, the simplest solution is the best solution. I don’t have Asperger’s, I’ve got AssTaco! Enjoy!
WLEX Channel 18 WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE Winter Storm 2004 Coverage!!!
I love the local newscast. It’s like watching the public access channel. In preparation for this “WINTER STORM EVENT 2004!!!” channel 18 began their broadcast by putting up a list of tips in case you get stuck in your car. I can’t remember all of the tips ‘cause I was laughing too hard after reading the first one.
If you get stuck in your car:
1. Stay in your car.
Oh man, they never disappoint. I suggest they go to the Derek Zoolander School For Those That Don’t Do The News Good for some continuing education courses.
Hicky Holidays!
Fellers, I'm plum full of holiday spirit. It hit me all the sudden. Kind of like when you eat too many rolls with little weiners in 'em and your guts decide to explode at precisely 8:13 PM. I got the x-mas ghost so bad that I decided to create my very own mangey scene. Enjoy! And God bless us every one!
Fairly Unbalanced
I ain’t done bitchin’ about our local AM radio talk show hosts. One of these mental giants spent an entire segment the other day complainin’ about The Apprentice finale. I agree, the episode was a muddle of bad ideas and bad execution. If one of the contestants had been project manager on that task, they’d be fryin’ nuggets the next day. The only thing more boring than the show itself was listenin’ to our local nitwit talk about how boring it was.
And now I’ve written a boring post about a boring dullard talking about a boring show. Dear reader, if you can manage to post a boring comment we’ll have three degrees of bore tied to the biggest of all Chumps.
PS: This particular station is going to use Fox News starting in January. In fact, I’m pretty sure the association with Fox will begin on 1-01-05. In the spirit of Fox News which claims to be fair and balanced I want to add a comment to the above hosts commentary. He said The Apprentice was boring. I say it sucked elephant dick. See, just as fair and balanced as Fox!
Repeat Offender
I despise our local AM radio shows but I can’t stop listening to ‘em. It’s like havin’ a scab you can’t stop pickin’ at or secretly enjoyin’ the smell of your own shit. I know this crap’s pollutin’ my brain but I take it as a personal challenge to listen in defiance.
They’re whiny, condescending, reactionary and lame in their attempts to mimic their national cowhores, um, cohorts. One of them, one of them...repeats...one of them repeats everything he says twice...slowly...to emphasize his point. It’s a way to ridicule whatever idea or person dares to oppose him. It makes me think he’s probably a delightful pickle sniffer. I mean, all that attention given to varying the pace and delivery of your speech would surely carry over wouldn’t it? That’s what, that’s what I think of, that’s...what...I...think...of...when...I...hear...him...talk...this...way. I think, yeah, mmm, that’s it, ooh, you’re a little nasty little teaser, mmm, that’s it, suck it!
Dang It Elizabeth!
I’ve been thinkin’ ‘bout it and I believe Elizabeth Edwards cost us the southern women's vote and thus the election. How? Because she didn’t send John to the Vice Presidential debate with a casserole.
There ain’t no way in hell any self respectin’ southern woman is gonna vote against a sittin’ president if the other candidate’s runnin’ mate’s wife doesn’t send a covered dish to the debate party. I mean, you just can’t vote for a man whose wife would make such a faux pas.
I’m tellin’ you, this election was over in the first three minutes of the Vice Presidential debate. Each candidate made their opening statement then boom, no casserole. Game over.
Now, if the Old Regular Baptists wives and mothers had known that she was battlin’ cancer they would have prayed for her and cut her some slack. And they most certainly would’ve sent her a casserole.
Heritage USA
Today I heard a KY judge say he’d never remove the Ten Commandments from his court room because they’re part of our heritage. Well, this is great news to me. It means my next get rich quick scheme is sure to pay off. See, I’ve learned a valuable lesson in this life and that lesson is how to cash in big time by manipulating the notion of “heritage”.
I’m goin’ straight to Gatlinburg and openin’ the following businesses: Ten Commandments (TC) Putt Putt Golf; TC's Go-Cart Track and Fish Fry; The Ten at the Inn Motor Lodge; and finally I’m announcing a Baskin Robbins Ten (BRT). We’ll only serve ten flavors ‘cause God only likes ten. I know, he told me during a recent violent battle with vertigo. I’m considering opening ten different BRT locations and only serving one flavor in each. That way Baptists, who only like vanilla, won’t have to associate with Methodists, known strawberry lovers.
I’ll be puttin’ the full court press on my competition with an ad campaign that’ll let the vacationer know what Pickle Sniffin' Satanist the other business owners are. The subtle message will be that you can only be a good, viable, saved Christian by eatin’ my cherry. If ya eat somebody else’s cherry you’re gonna burn.
If you wanna get in on the ground floor of these fab ideas, drop me an email. Want proof this approach to gettin’ rich’ll work? Check out the heritage hangin’ from the rafters down at the Cracker Barrel, reference this past election, or better yet, google Jim and Tammy Faye’s Heritage USA. I’m tellin’ ya, get in while the gettin’s good.
Too Much Monkey Business
I am full on pissed about the development going on around here.
The prevailing attitude seems to say, we don’t need farms or green space, we need another Wal-Mart so we don’t have to drive to that one way down there! I mean, that Wal-Mart’s like three hundred yards from here! We’ll never make it! We’ll break down or it’ll snow or it’ll rain and we’ll surely get hit tryin’ to make it all the way out there!
You know why we need another Wal-Mart? Because of the children. Do you want to subject children to the risks of extended travel? Of course you don’t. Besides, what good ever came off a farm? Food is simply not economically viable anymore and damn it, we need jobs!
If unchecked development was such a great idea New York would be the greatest place in the world to live. But it’s not. It’s a festering cesspool.
Five People You Meet In Heaven
I’m already fed up with the sappy, maudlin, manipulative part of the holidays. Yip, 24 days of horse shit to go. I’m particularly done with the previews for the upcoming Jon Voight movie ‘Five People You Meet In Heaven.’
I wonder how long it will be until technology allows the networks to customize broadcast for each household. Won’t it be so cool, and by cool I mean sappy, maudlin and manipulative, when movies about heaven will include your own dead relatives?
“Hey, the Hick has tuned in! Welcome Hick! Tonight you’ll be watchin’ your parents, your granny and a couple of pets romp around heaven. They’ll be givin’ you not so subtle lessons on conforming to social norms that they never would have done in real life! Grab some popcorn, pudding, and your therapists cell phone number ‘cause this is gonna be a long night!
Brought to you by Zales, the you’re a piece of shit for not bein’ married folks!”
