Shake, Rattle and Roll
If you want to piss off a car full of gangstas and possibly get your ass kicked, pull up next to them in traffic, motion for them to turn down their stereo, then tell them that their trunk rattle is the best you’ve heard all day.
River People
On the way home from yet another creepy Wal-Mart shopping trip, I decided to crank the radio in a desperate attempt to shake the whole experience from my memory. It didn’t work. The demon was too strong on this night. I settled on a “home of new rock” station that was playing CCR’s “Proud Mary.” Oh the pain, it just won’t stop.
“You don’t have to worry if you don’t have no money
People on the river are happy to give”
In my experience, this is true. River people do help each other out. It’s all for one and one for all UNTIL one of them gets a dollar or two ahead of the others. Then my friends, all hell breaks loose. Pretty soon everybody in the bottom is talkin’ ‘bout you like you’re a damn dog. Rumors fly, the one-finger-country waves trail off, picnic invites fall away, jumper cables can’t be found, women get after the man, men get after the woman. C’mon Fogerty, tell it like it is: “People on the river are happy to give you a bunch of shit if you got somethin' they ain’t got or you’re on their property.”
Rappin'
Here is the first verse to my new groovy little rap number. I call it Yo Yo.
Yo Yo I’m Up
Yo Yo I’m Down
Yo Yo I’m Up
Yo Yo I’m Down
Yo Yo I’m Bipolar
A Little R and R
Many of you have written to ask, “hick, what in the hell do you do on your time off?” Well, I build monuments/carnival attractions dedicated to present and former Presidents in my backyard. We have an above ground, glass cesspool in honor of Ronald Reagan. (Unfortunately this exhibit is currently closed ‘cause it’s full of shit.) New this year is the Bill Clinton Takes A Moral High Dive high dive. And make sure you stop by the Bush Family Wiener Stand to grab yourself a corndog. Ahh, they taste good going down but you’ll pay for it later. If you can’t hold your guts ‘til you get back to the house, hit one of our Jimmy Carter Have-A-Pee-And-Get-A-Nut peanut shaped port-a-potty/peep show booths on your way out. Hickonfire, good day.
Press Release
In an effort to combat dwindling readership, the Board of hickonfire.blogspot.com have entered into negotiations with the board of Morgan Freeman Will Narrate Any Movie Inc. in hopes that Mr. Freeman will broaden the scope of his narration career and lend his talent to us.
Changing Hearts and Minds: Rethinking the Death Penalty
The argument that the death penalty is a deterrent to murder is a crock of shit. If someone is bad off enough to commit murder, they’re not thinking about the consequences. On the other hand, I’m also hip that a certain percentage of the population needs the state to kill people in order to feel like there’s justice in the world.
I suggest we keep the death penalty but attach it to another crime, like jaywalking. Murderers don’t care about the death penalty because they’re murderers. We’re not going to make any headway with that demographic. But strap a few jaywalkers into the electric chair and you’ll see the rest of us straighten up our slack ass pedestrian habits in a hurry. Oh my, I expect a wave of support on this one. Especially from the fundamentalist. It’s got everything they want: blood, control over others, revenge and results.
