D&D
We ate Famous Dave's BBQ for dinner and now I believe I've got some Famous Diarrhea. I'm glad we didn't pick up our Famous waitress or we'd surely have some Famous Clap. I don't know this Dave guy but when I stop shittin' all over myself I'm gonna go down there and kick him square in the nuts.
Sing It With Me
Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree
I Hate Your Goddamn Branches
Brawlin' 'Round The Barrel
Buddy, old people will flat push you out of the way to get a closer look at the Pecan Rolls out there at the old time Cracker Barrel store. They don’t want to buy 'em but they’re determined to look at 'em and they’ll climb all over you to get their fix.
If you don’t get outta their way, they huff and puff and move all around you, peeking from every conceivable angle to try and see what you’re standin’ in front of. “Must be somethin’ good back there, look how he’s tryin’ to hide it from us. That hippie is hidin’ the Holy Grail from us!” Hey, they’re Pecan Rolls Granny! They’re the same damn Pecan Rolls that were right here last Sunday! Anyway, you can’t eat Pecan Rolls on account of your diabetes and lousy kidney! Keep movin’!
When she finally sees her hidden treasure she points and says, “pecan rolls.” Her identically dressed daughter then answers, “oh I love those.”
Radio Reverend
The other day I saw a kid wearing a t-shirt that said, “For People, With Purpose, In Power.” Yeah, it pissed me off. It also made me sad ‘cause some jack bag has wrecked this kid before he’s even had a chance to live. What a warped wasteland. Even though I felt bad for him, his fashion choice filled me with rage and left me more mad than sad.
Yesterday I heard some dick on AM radio calling for less separation between church and state. Screw you pal, I don’t want to live under the Old Regular Baptist version of the Taliban, thank you. I tell ya, I’ve had it with this evangelical grass roots movement.
Hey, fat kid with the t-shirt, gluttony is a sin. Doesn’t that one count? Wanna know what that fourth scoop of ice cream is gonna do for you? You’re gonna be force-fed rats, toads, and snakes in hell, you fat retard.
Hey, AM radio Reverend, think you got all the answers for what ails us? What about Pride? Isn’t pride the excessive belief in one’s own abilities? What’s that you say? It’s God talkin’, not you? You’re full of shit. If Jesus decides to run for the local school board, I’ll listen to what he’s/she’s got to say. But I got no interest in “I talk to God” Earl down the street representin’ me in any capacity. Thank you. Go away.
CMA Awards
If you’ve been reading this blog for any amount of time you know how much I freakin’ hate country music. If this is new information to you, or you need a reminder, please read my very first post entitled “Sniff the Pickle” from early October and you’ll get the High Definition picture.
However, in the wake of the highly inspirational, kick ass CMA Awards I’ve decided to announce that I’ve begun work on the very first HickOnFire country CD. That’s right. You heard me right. I’m sellin’ out and cashin’ in baby! The CD’s called “I’m Just About An Ignorant Bastard.” Along with the title song, it’ll also include such instant classics as “Mamaw Sucked a Mean Pecker” and “Monkey’s Glazed My Windows.”
I’ll be pictured on the cover wearing a green version of the Mid-Night Rider Tim McGraw cowboy hat, standin’ next to a green Hummer, holding a green Big N Rich signature series ovation acoustic guitar with a glory hole cut in the back so that adoring fans can reach in the sound hole to let me know just how much “I’m Just About An Ignorant Bastard” has meant to them. To honor and promote our sponsor, me and my band of bastards will be travelin’ in a green tour bus shaped like a Vlasic pickle.
SUNSHINE PROMOTIONS
AND 98.1 THE BULL
ARE PLEASED TO BRING YOU
THE HICKONFIRE
“I’M JUST ABOUT AN IGNORANT BASTARD”
SNIFF THE PICKLE TOUR
Ironicalistic
Anyone else think it's fucked up to research Internet Addiction on the net? I just Googled "internet addiction" and it returned 88,800 sites. Dang, this could keep an addict busy for months. It's ridiculistic.
Hick Tip #1
I’ve decided to begin a new segment. I’m callin’ it Hick Tip. These’ll be little tidbits of information that’ll make your life, and those around you, better.
With all the yellin’, debatin’, and bitchin’ goin’ on about the election, I figure the best place to start Hick Tip is with proper tooth brushin’ technique. You don’t want your brilliant argument to get lost ‘cause your breath smells like a rancid ‘possum do you?
Hick Tip #1
The Right Way to Brush
Proper brushing takes at least two minutes — that's right, 120 seconds! Most adults do not come close to brushing that long. To get a feel for the time involved, try using a stopwatch. To properly brush your teeth, use short, gentle strokes, paying extra attention to the gum line, hard-to-reach back teeth, and areas around fillings, crowns or other restoration. Concentrate on thoroughly cleaning each section as follows:
Clean the outer surfaces of your upper teeth, then your lower teeth
Clean the inner surfaces of your upper teeth, then your lower teeth
Clean the chewing surfaces
For fresher breath, be sure to brush your tongue, too
Brush three times per day. Floss once a day and use mouthwash.
They call me Yuck Mouth,
‘Cause I don't brush,
Oh I like my teeth like this,
They call me Yuck Mouth,
‘Cause I don't brush,
Hey, how 'bout a little kiss?
I got some fish in my teeth,
Got some chicken, too
Ow! That's a cavity,
Hey, that one's new!
If you don't brush,
Then you, too,
Can be a Yuck Mouth
Dang, It's Drafty In Here
During his acceptance speech, the President said he needed the support of Kerry voters to make America great. Well, I accept. I mean, hell I want America to be great. In that moment his tender, sweet, warm words enveloped me like a drunk college girls warm breath across my freshly shaven nut sack.
Y’all know me, I’m an idea man. I got so many I can’t fight ‘em off. So I figure this is where I can make my contribution to this new New Deal. My idea for making America great? Draft all the cocksure, arrogant assholes who bought Hummers. Hey, they’ve already got the truck!
Law partner with Hummer? Not anymore! Grab a rifle out of your Civil War collection and hit that line soldier! You voted for it in the election, you voted for it with your wallet, now you have the chance to back it up with your ass.
And why not offer a ride to three evangelicals while your at it? You’ve got the room in that big manly ride, you big man, ooh yeah give ‘em a ride, that’s right, ooh fuck yeah! Hey, they’ll bring gravy and they'll make damn sure you’re good and saved by the time you get to the battlefield.
Good luck! You are truly America’s finest.
The Library
I don’t know about you, but I look forward to the day when the only book in the library is the Bible.
“Hi, my mother was just diagnosed with breast cancer, do you have any books or articles about different treatment methods?”
“Oh honey, I am so sorry to hear about your mother. You know she’s a fine christian woman, she’ll be alright.”
“I hope so, but I need some information to help us decide which treatment we should use.”
“The only book, the only treatment, the only information, you need child is the Bible. Are you right with the Lord? Are ya ready to go down to the river and get right with the big man in the sky? Have ya given yourself to the path of the righteous or are ya still a sinner? The Lord can’t help a sinner’s family! Ya gotta ask him! Ya gotta ask him for forgiveness! Ya gotta ask him to wash away the sins of this earth! Ya gotta fall down on yours knees and beg for his love, beg for his forgiveness, beg to not be thrown in the fire pits of hell! Oh, I’m sorry, the Bible is checked out at the moment but it should be back on Monday.”
“Um, well, does this library have story time for children?”
“Yes honey we do. But we don’t call it story time. We call it, “Grab a snake and get right with the Lord time!”
Sing It With Me
(THE KORAN, THE BIBLE, THE CONSTITUTION)
One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doesn't belong,
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?
Did you guess which thing was not like the others?
Did you guess which thing just doesn't belong?
If you guessed the constitution,
Then you're absolutely...a right wing nut bag who I pray will be gentle and use lots of KY Jelly when they cram the good old family cross up my ass.
Bonus Verse:
Oh could you use a little more KY Jelly?
Oh could you use a little less splintered cross?
If you don't use a little more KY Jelly
I'll be forced to kick your Hummer Drivin' ass.
Sing it with me............
Ouchie, My Democratic Anus Hurts
I feel like I've just been through a drunken night of hardcore, no lube, angry, bareback man lovin' on the Big N Rich tour bus! Holy fucknuts Batman! Nothin' makes you want to suck your thumb and call your mommy like gettin' a good old fashioned fistin' from the right wing Toby Keith crowd. Way to go America, bunch of backward assed, self righteous, uptight, pick up drivin', chain smokin', bible thumpin', gravy eatin', out of work, high school dropout fuckin' retards. Goddamn I need a four year nap!
Cross the Border
I forgot about something that creeped me out and pissed me off on our trip to Asheville and Gatlinburg. Right around the KY/TN border there is a sprawling, flea market size Adult bookstore just sittin’ there next to the interstate minding it’s own business one quarter at a time. Judging by the number of cars in the parking lot they’re doin’ a pretty good damn business. Lots of people watchin’ porn together=lots of people gettin’ off together which=lots of happy people which=lots of repeat business which=lots of taxes which is good for the local economy.
It looked fairly new and well done so I figured it must be one of those Federally Funded Enterprise Zones that are designed to help a local economy in trouble.
The creepy thing, the thing that pissed me off is the GIGANTIC cross that has been “erected” a few yards from the porn store. If I had to choose one word to describe this fuckin’ thing, that word would be subtle. Hmm, what's the message these yuck nuts are trying to convey? Love? Peace? Fuck no. This is pure intimidation and this gets to the heart of what I hate about evangelical types. I don't like to be threatened, by anyone. I don't think God wants or needs to threaten me. I don't think God is so insecure that she/he needs me to praise 'em every five minutes. I think God's a little above all this. The way I hear evangelicals talkin' about God makes God sound like a spoiled, egomaniacal brat that'll set you on fire if he doesn't get what he wants. That's a bunch of shit and I think these people are gonna burn in hell for it.
If I owned that porn store, I would erect a more absurdly GIGANTIC cross that looked something like this:
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