Giant Angry Closet Vagina
We watched Poltergeist a few nights ago. We felt it's held up pretty good over the years. It's still scary. Of course we're so old that people driving over 35 scare us. Some of the effects are dated but the performances make up for them. I'm not academically inclined but I bet there have been a few feminist papers written about the giant angry closet vagina that sucks JoBeth Williams into the abyss with Satan. To top it off, it spits her and her daughter out the living room ceiling covered in goo that would make the KY Jelly Corporation wet with excitement.
Hmm, maybe I'll go to graduate school and write about the misogynistic themes of Poltergeist. The haunting starts off with a funny, tingling feeling (love) in the stomach and ends with a giant vagina sucking you into the abyss. The movie equates sex and love with being haunted. That's the scary part. Thank God there are midgets here to save us.
Old Man Wang and Boniva
A few months back I heard a TV commercial about a drug called Boniva. I wasn't watching or paying close attention, I was in the next room playing with my dog. But I heard Sally Field, Frog from Smokey and the Bandit, saying something about this drug giving you a stronger boner. I tried it and I'm here to tell you that it doesn't. I'm still shooting pool with a rope. On the positive side, my posture has never been better.
Question of the Day
Do you reckon if we all went and got a penicillin shot on the same day that Rock of Love with Bret Michaels would go away?
Rectum Rockets Red Glare
I just got a visit from two uptight, well dressed, big brained agents from the NSA! Yip. I answered the door in my Bat Girl boxers. (She’s near and dear to my heart, and thankfully, my sack). They sternly flashed their impressive NSA ID’s and asked if they could come in and speak with me for a moment. My mind quickly turned to this blog and I shit my pants. Damn, had my quaint ramblings actually gotten me onto some bullshit watch list? I thought, huh, not a bad accomplishment for a pissed off redneck that doesn’t post that often. They told me Uncle Dick, formally Uncle Sam, was very concerned about the massive quantity of Papa Johns rectum rockets I’ve been ordering lately. Actually, they said pizza. I call ‘em rectum rockets ‘cause they make my guts explode. It was an intense, unsettling visit but it was worth it. I’ll sleep better knowing that Uncle Dick is so concerned about the health of my rectum that he has an entire government agency monitoring my phone calls and eating habits. Thanks Dick.
PS: Dear NSA, Please don’t share my dietary habits with Anthem Blue Cross/Blue Shield or my premiums will go through the roof.
Endangered Species, mmm mmm Good
I’ve got it! I’ve solved the question of how to save endangered species! Start serving them for Thanksgiving dinner! If I can convince other fat ass Americans that bald eagles and pandas taste gooooooood, Tyson will start breedin’ the shit out of these little bastards. There’ll be Northern Spotted Owl farms all over the damn place. Alfred Nobel would be so proud of me. I expect to be cashin’ a check from those stiffs by this time next year. Just thinkin’ ‘bout it gives me a Humpback Chub(Gila Cypha)!
2005 UK Wildcat Football Schedule
Today I drove past the 2005 UK Wildcat Football Schedule sign, it’s out there on Nicholasville Road in front of the stadium. I noticed all the start times were listed as “TBA.” I thought to myself, that should read: “TBL at TBA.” For those dim bulbs in the audience, that stands for: “To Be Lost at To Be Announced.” This damn mule couldn’t hump a fence post.
Suckin' the snot out of a good idea
I hate it when something gets popular and all everyone jumps on the bandwagon, sucking the life out of the original cool idea. This always happens. I just don’t remember being driven insane about it before now. iMacs and iPods are the coolest devices to come along in a long time. People dig ‘em. I dig ‘em. But now every company has a got an “i” something or another. Hey “i”diots, the “i” wasn’t your goddamn “i”dea! Please stop using “i”t to sell your brake iPads and your iRubbers! For the love of God people, stop bein’ such iWhores. Actually, now that I think about it, I came to this whole bloggin’ thing pretty late. Dang it, iSuck!
FRIED
I just got back from a trip to the mountains. If I don’t get outside of New Circle Road every now and then I go flat fuckin’ crazy. I like to go back to the hills and valleys where I grew up. It helps me stay centered. It also provides me with bloggin’ material. One evenin’ I popped into KFC for a little buffet action. Now, I think I speak for all hicks when I say that I wish they’d do away with that rank ass chicken meat and just put the skins out there. Shit, that’s why we go to the Colonel. He’s the pimp daddy of the chicken skin world. I’d bet good money he checks in on his stores from the other side ‘cause he was a nut and he’s dead. To tell you the truth, as I sat there poundin’ down some thighs I’m pretty sure I heard him whispering in my ear, “suck my skin boy, ooh yeah, suck it.”
Now, in the midst of all us puffed up grazers was a young, scrawny couple. The guy looked like Dale Gribble. The girl’s back was to me so I couldn’t tell what she looked like. She had dark roots and that greenish blond hair you get from bleachin’ your hair then swimmin’ in chlorine treated pool water. I have a profound fondness for this look ‘cause there was a high school girl that worked at the basketball concession stand when I was little that sported this exact look. Damn, she was hot. I’m tellin’ you what, she provided warmth for a lonely little boy on many a cold winter night, if ya know what I’m sayin’. Anyway, after our emaciated KFC couple finished up their third or fourth after dinner smoke they got up to leave and I see that she is pregnant! Holy shit balls! She’s also wearin’ my new favorite t-shirt of all time. In those velvet, local t-shirt shop letters it read: “yeah, I’m smokin’ for two!” It’s gonna be a great winter!
This Just In
Today, in an unprecedented move, the Department of Voter Registration has revealed God’s official party affiliation as Communist. For some voters this comes as no surprise given all that water into wine business. However, the slap dick, right wing Christian Taliban faction of the Republican Party speaking through their elected officials at the White House are claiming that the voter registration card was planted for political purposes and is in fact a fake and a fraud and a damn lie. “It’s a fake and a fraud and a damn lie. And we have no further comment except to say that this matter has been turned over to the FBI. And that they have dug up J. Edgar Hoover to “head” up this investigation. And that as soon as Mr. Hoover gets fitted for a new girdle he will launch an exhaustive investigation into the source of the leak, Mr. Bud “Tick” Thacker of Norton, VA”. Mr. Thacker could not be reached but his supervisor released the following statement: “Ticks a real good guy. You know his mommy’s been real sick”.
Shake, Rattle and Roll
If you want to piss off a car full of gangstas and possibly get your ass kicked, pull up next to them in traffic, motion for them to turn down their stereo, then tell them that their trunk rattle is the best you’ve heard all day.
River People
On the way home from yet another creepy Wal-Mart shopping trip, I decided to crank the radio in a desperate attempt to shake the whole experience from my memory. It didn’t work. The demon was too strong on this night. I settled on a “home of new rock” station that was playing CCR’s “Proud Mary.” Oh the pain, it just won’t stop.
“You don’t have to worry if you don’t have no money
People on the river are happy to give”
In my experience, this is true. River people do help each other out. It’s all for one and one for all UNTIL one of them gets a dollar or two ahead of the others. Then my friends, all hell breaks loose. Pretty soon everybody in the bottom is talkin’ ‘bout you like you’re a damn dog. Rumors fly, the one-finger-country waves trail off, picnic invites fall away, jumper cables can’t be found, women get after the man, men get after the woman. C’mon Fogerty, tell it like it is: “People on the river are happy to give you a bunch of shit if you got somethin' they ain’t got or you’re on their property.”
Rappin'
Here is the first verse to my new groovy little rap number. I call it Yo Yo.
Yo Yo I’m Up
Yo Yo I’m Down
Yo Yo I’m Up
Yo Yo I’m Down
Yo Yo I’m Bipolar
A Little R and R
Many of you have written to ask, “hick, what in the hell do you do on your time off?” Well, I build monuments/carnival attractions dedicated to present and former Presidents in my backyard. We have an above ground, glass cesspool in honor of Ronald Reagan. (Unfortunately this exhibit is currently closed ‘cause it’s full of shit.) New this year is the Bill Clinton Takes A Moral High Dive high dive. And make sure you stop by the Bush Family Wiener Stand to grab yourself a corndog. Ahh, they taste good going down but you’ll pay for it later. If you can’t hold your guts ‘til you get back to the house, hit one of our Jimmy Carter Have-A-Pee-And-Get-A-Nut peanut shaped port-a-potty/peep show booths on your way out. Hickonfire, good day.
Press Release
In an effort to combat dwindling readership, the Board of hickonfire.blogspot.com have entered into negotiations with the board of Morgan Freeman Will Narrate Any Movie Inc. in hopes that Mr. Freeman will broaden the scope of his narration career and lend his talent to us.
Changing Hearts and Minds: Rethinking the Death Penalty
The argument that the death penalty is a deterrent to murder is a crock of shit. If someone is bad off enough to commit murder, they’re not thinking about the consequences. On the other hand, I’m also hip that a certain percentage of the population needs the state to kill people in order to feel like there’s justice in the world.
I suggest we keep the death penalty but attach it to another crime, like jaywalking. Murderers don’t care about the death penalty because they’re murderers. We’re not going to make any headway with that demographic. But strap a few jaywalkers into the electric chair and you’ll see the rest of us straighten up our slack ass pedestrian habits in a hurry. Oh my, I expect a wave of support on this one. Especially from the fundamentalist. It’s got everything they want: blood, control over others, revenge and results.
