hickonfire

Bull Shit, Dog Shit: A Fable

A few weeks ago I stepped in a big stinking pile of dog shit out in the front yard. If you’re going to let your yelpin’ mangy ass dog run bursack through the world, shittin’ in other people’s yards, at least have the courtesy to clean that shit up you mindless sperm burpin’ gutter slut!

I gotta be up front here, I hadn’t seen any particular dog shit in our yard but I studied on it for a little while and decided it was our across the street neighbors black lab. I based my conclusion on three things: the size of the pile, the rank dead body stench of it’s oh so gooey center, and the fact that this dog stinks like it’s been muck divin’ in a cesspool.

I decided I was going to catch the little motherfucker and teach him a lesson. I decided it was better to go after the dog instead of the owner. Know why? ‘Cause this woman’s had 50 years to learn some basic goddamn manners but they just haven’t taken root and no amount of sweet talkin’ from me was going to influence her to change her evil ways. So I figured a good solid beatin’ and this dog would think twice about shittin’ in our yard again.

I waited and waited and then finally, I see the Big Stink headin’ this way. I tied my boots extra tight and grabbed my switch. The instant BS stepped on our yard, before his asshole even had the chance to pucker up, I busted out of the house and unleashed a hurtin’ on him. It felt good. It felt right. I knew I’d sleep well that night and that come morning, I’d be able to walk cleanly through the front yard. Sweet justice never tasted so good.

In conclusion, I’d like to thank the Bush Administration for America’s new preemptive military policy. My actions above were inspired by your courage and foresight. I realize this hick’ll never be a part of your gilded inner circle, but I love kickin’ the shit out of all living things and I want to thank you for not only making it socially acceptable but flat out patriotic. Keep on rockin’ in the free world!

posted by hickonfire @ 2:21 PM