hickonfire

Walgreen Freaks

I genuinely enjoy shopping at our local Walgreens but it’s a damn freak show in there. The fact that it’s open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year makes it beacon for zombies from all walks of life. I particularly love the seasonal aisle, the toy aisle and the automotive aisle. It reminds me of the five and dimes that were around when I was a kid. I love that I can go in at 2 a.m. and buy car wax, condoms (sorry Chad), pipe tobacco and a surgical mask.

I want to share my most recent experience to the land of the lost so you can see for yourself what a happenin’ scene they got going on up on that hill. On my way to get a grease bomb (burger) I remembered I needed razors. I’ve been using the same one since Carter was in office. I popped into my WG and headed to the men’s aisle. I moved briskly and with authority through the possessed herd ‘cause I knew exactly what I needed and where I could find it. When I got to the razor section, there were no razors. Just pieces of cardboard that said “if you would like to purchase this item please take this card to the front counter.” What the fuck? I knew immediately this was connected to the religious right trying to take over the world but it took me moment to realize how. Then I remembered, ah, Warren Buffett owns Gillette! Warren Buffett is working for Arnie out in California! And Arnie is the new Republican poster child, if you exclude Zell Miller. With my card and a deeper understanding of the military industrial complex we were warned about, I headed to the front counter to get some satisfaction, and some razors.

I got in line behind a woman who has to use one of those portable oxygen tanks because years of smoking has ravaged her lungs. She told the woman behind the counter that the prescription wasn’t really working anymore and that she was having a hard time breathing. The woman said, “well you better tell your doctor about that. Is there anything else I can get for you?” “Yes honey, I need a carton of Marlboro reds.” Damn, a trip to the WG just never disappoints!

As this transaction wrapped up, another woman came charging in the door. She was clearly wired and very agitated. She told the counter woman that the pharmacist had called her and said her prescription was at the front counter. She asked if it was. “No. They keep all those in the pharmacy.” “Well HE called ME and told me it was up here?” “I’m sorry. I don’t have anything like that up here.” The customer then asked if she could go back into the pharmacy and look for it. I wondered if this ever worked. She stormed off toward the back of the store to try her hand with the poor unsuspecting pharmacists.

I noticed on the plaque next to the rack of cigarettes that “Betty” had been named employee of the month. I also noticed that a different name appeared next to each month. This is either a very democratic Walgreens or a place with a high burn out rate. I sheepishly handed over my razor request. I felt like a junky taking part in a needle exchange program or something. When “Betty” saw what I needed she let out a sigh that let me know that I was the biggest threat to her happiness. She got on the intercom, “cosmetics, cosmetics, I need a package of razors.” Silence. I asked why, out of all the things in the store they had to do this with razors? “Betty” said “‘cause people steal ‘em.” Hmm, I see. After a minute or two she picked up the intercom and again called out to cosmetics to save her from her miserable existence. From three aisles over the cosmetics counter woman yelled, “what kind do you need?” “Betty” abandoned the intercom and starting yelling the description. Realizing this wasn’t going to work she said, “hell I’ll just go get ‘em myself” and stormed off leaving me unattended at the register. It might just be me, but this doesn’t seem like a well thought out policy.

posted by hickonfire @ 1:31 PM