Sniff The Pickle
Goddamn I hate country music. Lori-Lyn and I went down to the DMV today to get new matching drivers licenses and change our voter registrations so that we don’t miss our chance to vote. As a celebration we decided to break our nonexistent core plan weight watchers diet and go to Pizza Hut. We rednecks celebrate everything at Pizza Hut. Our Pizza Hut always has CMT playing on their four TV’s, loudly. At least there weren’t any screaming kids there today. There’s usually at least one kid running full tilt and yelling as they pull stuff off of empty tables because their balance sucks and their grandparents won’t teach them how to act with any respect for the other customers. My guess is that these grandparents feel bad because they were shitty parents and are trying to make up for it. Maybe their kids told them they were too controlling so now they’re overcompensating with the grand kids. I don’t know. All I know is that I’d rather have a screwdriver shoved in my ear than to hear a kid screech at the top of their lungs while their grandparents ask you if that hell-yun isn’t just the cutest thing you ever saw.As we settled into our beautifully silent booth I hear...”I went sky divin”....FUCK, I wish this guy’d go sky divin’ and leave me the hell out of it. Lori-Lyn likes country music. Even she said she wished they’d release another single off that CD so this thing would go away. Lori-Lyn is really sweet. This is about as harsh as she gets. Not me. I’m so sick of people that look like soft core porn stars trying to out do each other in the cute and clever lyric department that I want to slide under a gas truck and die choking on my own blood.
And is there a Country version of Chess King where these dim wits are buying their duds? Hey, here’s a video with a guy in a black hat! Well suck my pecker, that’s original! Anyone remember the Brady Bunch episode where Greg gets a record deal because the suit fit?
(If any of my complaints and observations about the state of country music is pissing you off, guess what? Your wife probably IS cheating on you. You know why? ‘Cause you’re a dumb ass.)
Speaking of peckers, this brings me to my next observation: Lots and lots of these new country bo’s sniff the pickle. They don’t even try to hide it. The most glaring example I can think of at the moment is this Big & Rich video, Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy. Wow, this is right out of the Village People. They should be called Dick-N-Rich. If you wore those silky outfits in our local park late in the evening, the police would bust your mustache booting wearin’ ass for loitering or solicitation.
I want to be very clear. I do not and will not gay bash. I cherish and support gay rights, completely and without reservation. What pisses me off is that country music has become the theme music for the moral majority and the right wing. It’s helped them claim patriotism and morality as theirs alone despite the fact that they sniff the pickle just like the rest of us. That’s bullshit man.
Some of you are bound to say, “if you don’t like it, change the channel!” Screw you! You can’t get away from it! It’s on every truck commercial, it’s even the background music to some commercials on classic rock radio. And as soon as you leave your house you got some boot licker in his hopped up black pickup (with a Hemi) riding your bumper like your the only thing standing between them and sweet salvation. I’ve simply had it with the ‘huck buddy this’ll get you through’ mentality that seems to have taken over this country! Goddamn I need a nap!
posted by hickonfire @ 7:21 PM
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